...and you are?

I think we just need to appreciate more of who we are and stop trying to fight it. That makes you miserable, trust me I've been there. Embracing who you are is what will make you truly happy. I've learned to stop caring about what other people think of me. What do you think of yourself? That's the important question.

In-dependence

The other day I was driving home from work and noticed the red light of a traffic signal was out. It got me thinking, as does everything: Sometimes we may be just like that red light: waiting for someone to come change and restore us. 

I fear that this is common for people. Let's say something traumatic happens in your life, it effects you (even if you pretend it doesn't, that pretending will eventually effect you, and it came from the trauma, therefore there is no escaping it and any way you look at it, it effects you). Now, guaranteed none of us would like to admit this, but it's true. 

First of all we try and push things back in our minds and not let them bother us or change us; hinder the way we live day to day. The fact of the matter is that by trying to push this said problem down we are only going to cause a major breakdown later. Sometimes we occupy our minds with other things, other people, to avoid coming face-to-face with our dilemma, however in most instances this will only make it seem easier, and make it seem to other people that you are doing exactly that. Your true friends can see straight through your facade, and a lot of times, this is exactly what we need. We need a friend to remind us that it's okay to be sad, angry; basically just emotional, we're human! but the point is that we cannot just pretend things don't happen or try to find a way around facing things. I think the hardest thing to do is come to terms with our traumas by dealing with it day by day. We need to lean on those true friends, they are how we make it through. But the biggest thing is finding yourself again after the storm; searching for and picking up all the pieces of you and putting them back together. This most likely will not become the same puzzle that you were before, this will have modifications and tiny nicks in the edges, and, as hard as it is to believe: there will most likely not be any holes in this new puzzle of you. It's scary to think we won't be the same, but we need to realize that learning and growing are necessary; and those few chips in your corners, or nicks in your paint: they can heal, and they can expand, and they can eventually make a shiny new portrait out of you.

Secondly, on point from above: stop waiting around for someone/something that will miraculously come and POOF! you'll be fixed. Sorry Charlie, not gonna happen. We need to rely more on ourselves, have more trust in ourselves and, like I said following picking up our puzzle pieces, realize that we are so much stronger because of this disaster. A lot of people just want miracles, they want miracles to find them and fix them. Although this is a nice fairy tale feeling, odds are that's the only place you'll find it: fairy tales. Considering we live in reality (hate to break it to you), the probability of this said miracle finding us is unlikely. I think if we so badly want one, maybe we need to get off our asses and find one. Stop waiting around, this will get you nowhere. You need to embrace life and not waste any of it.

Lastly, sometimes all you need is some good ol' fashion 'upgrades'. Being a girl, I can tell you that a new haircut, and in my case a new piercing (nose), can do you wonders. Now, I can't tell you if this will work for pulling a guy out of a slump, but I know for a fact that every woman knows what it feels like to have that great feeling after a great new haircut. Silly, I'm aware, but in any matter, true. 

I'm certainly not saying that it isn't difficult to do these things (well, not the haircut, for all of us), trust me, I know how hard it is to even get the motivation to start finding those pieces, let alone putting them back together. It takes a long time, and so it should: healing takes a long time. That awful storm will stick in your mind for a long time, and replay over and over again. But, thankfully, this doesn't have to last forever. 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is actually start to help yourself out of this mess. It's so easy for me to stay in bed all day and only get up because I have to go to work because I don't want to get fired, come home and go right back to bed. You think you know how you'll be after something happens and you may be completely wrong. I can say all I want that I haven't been through a crap-storm and back, but I have. And it's so easy to meet someone new and get caught up in that, but then realize that those bad memories never leave, they're just under the surface, waiting to remind you. So you put up your guard again, and push away because you're scared. Well, I have to tell myself that fear is okay. Brave the unknown and maybe that's where you'll find those new pieces of yourself; the new ones that will mingle with the old ones and make you who you are. 

So stop fearing and just jump already, I promise you'll enjoy it.

mistakes we knew we were making

I think I've needed a huge "welcome back" to myself...

As everyone has, I've made mistakes in my life. But have you ever wondered if/when those mistakes become deliberate? Think about it: we make mistakes and claim we learn from them, then make the same, or relatively close to the same, mistake again. Do we realize this? Maybe we do subconsciously and don't want to admit it to ourselves; thinking we'll recognize it the next time and stop ourselves from letting it happen. Maybe we want it to happen..? Although I don't know who would yearn to feel the way I do after realizing I've made a mistake. Is any of this making sense? Maybe not. I just know that I can't keep living my life without my voice being the one that leads it. I want to be heard and listened to and understood. As Socrates' says, "an unexamined life is not worth living" it's a waste; you need to reach, you need to be a part of your own life: every person should be the lead role in their own life.

Now, I'm not saying other people are not important, but you have to remember that you are the most important. And I'm not saying to be selfish, just remember who you are, and don't let go of that. Completely opposite to that: the people in your life that influence you, help you, and are always there for you are extremely important. And in turn it is always important to help a person you love. In time of need and not. Always. I friend is a friend.

Lately, I've been forgetting who I am, and I need that back. It's a feeling that is completely indescribable when you feel constrained; like your wings have been clipped.  

I am taking back the reigns in my life and feeling great about it. It's so important to be you.

As I have mentioned before, the relationships in your life are crucial. 

I could attempt to wrap this up in a pretty bow for you but not a lot happens that easily.

The ugly truth is that people will come and go in your life and although difficult and may take some time, you have to determine who is good for you; who will benefit your life as you can do for them. While it may be difficult to understand, it is necessary to continue to be happy. Happiness is the final goal. There are things you do and steps you take that lead to other steps that make you happy, but you being happy is not a step you take for something else. Happiness. Your best friend, forever.

Love, right?

Meet Guilia. She's from Italy; came here as a foreign exchange student during my senior year of high school. We became really good friends and she left sooner than expected. We still keep in touch and I'm hopefully going to visit her this summer in Italy. I took this photo for an assignment in photography senior year. It was so fun; she held nothing back. We used to have a great time together and I'm so excited I may see her!

Going back to the acquaintances thing... because i just keep thinking about how important it is. I can't really explain it. I just really think people need to be more open and caring and understanding. I really think we don't have enough love. And that's the most important thing. LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED. Right? I think I do believe that.. I mean I've always wondered who I'm going to end up with or what job I'm going to have and where I'm going to live when i grow up and start a life. I just think the most important thing in that is love. If I find the someone who loves me and knows me and I love and am soulfully happy with, I'll be fine. My job won't entirely matter, and the money won't be most crucial. I just think love is what will make or break you. 

Have it, and know it. 'Cuz if you don't, you're gonna have some problems.. :)

the love blues

Alright so it's Valentine's Day and you're probably thinking one of two things.. 1. F#@% this stupid holiday, I have no one to spend it with. OR 2. I'm so happy I have my baby to spend today with.

But, really.. it's a pointless holiday. Women think it's only about chocolate and jewelry and flowers. Out of those I'll take the flowers, maybe. It's become such a day of marketing and advertisement because men think all their girls want are things to show off to their friends.

I think we miss the point completely.. It's not about what you can buy your significant other. It's just a day to remember to appreciate that you have them. I guess I'm just not one for chocolate and candy hearts. I love getting flowers but that's just because they smell great and I love the way they look in the house. I really just think the biggest thing is to delve into your relationship. I mean, you should be thankful everyday. But all those days you don't get to see each other, they don't matter on Valentine's Day. It's just about being with the someone you happened to be lucky enough to share mutual interest with in this never-ending sea of people in the world.

I think we try too hard in general. I think we don't appreciate the things we have as much as we should. And that's not a god way to live. I don't want to be mad about the bad things that have happened in my life when I can relive all the good things in my mind.

In any case: I think everyone should have a good day today. It's not all about one significant other when we have to many people in our lives that love and care for us. 

Influences

Have you ever met someone and you immediately know they will change your life forever? 

I have met so many people in my life. And it's easy to see who will mean a lot. You have to notice the acquaintances you make. Whether its someone you hit it off with right away, or someone you had to grow to know, it doesn't matter. I think we take advantage of the people we meet. We no longer take the time to get to know people anymore. I think we've become selfish. We don't want to take the time make people more than acquaintances because we don't want to feel obliged to be there for someone, or send a birthday card, or go out to dinner.. It's so important to have 'face time'; to interact with people.

This is it.

So, my mom's 50th birthday was recently. It made me think: that could potentially be the middle of her life. I mean, chances are she's already half way through the way our family goes, but still... it makes you think. I realize how young I am, and that I still have so much of my life to live. Thinking about my future makes me slightly nervous. There are so many things I want to do, and who knows if ill ever achieve them. It just makes me wonder: when do things begin to count? We always say, "I want to do this, I want to do that.. etc." I just wonder when we start to consider the things we've previously done as part of our lives? I look back on some of the things I've done in my life and I think, "Wow, that was amazing. I can't believe I did that, it feels like another lifetime!" Is it when we become adults, or when we begin to achieve the things we always had on our 'to-do in life' list? I just don't want to wake up one morning and realize I've spent my entire life waiting for it to begin. What if this is it? This is where the beginning starts and we have to embrace everything from here on out. I want to do so many things and although I do plan on doing then at some point, I want to make sure I don't waste my time in between now and then. I don't want to disregard the pre-years as if I'm just spending them waiting. I don't want to wait. What is there to wait for!? I want a family at some point; a loving husband and some little munchkins running around. I might dream of that until it happens but I'm not going to ignore any man that may not be suitable for that role in my life. I want experience things. I want to look back and know that I enjoyed my years of sorrow as well as joy.

I feel like I have done so much yet nothing all together. I want to do something with my life, I want to know by the time that I'm on my death bed that I made a difference in someone's life. 

Have you?

what matters

 

Right now I'm in between classes, sitting here observing and listening to music. 

So my job for the past 6 years has been for Parks and Recreation, working with kids as a leader during the summer playground program. I like kids a lot, and I also teach gymnastics through P&R which I enjoy. So for a long time I have known that nursing is what i want to do with my life, but I was having such a difficult time deciding what field to go into. The other day I was at work; enjoying the overall splendor of little kids running around playing during the Parent-tot class and I couldn't stop smiling. And right at that moment, it hit me like 50 light bulbs: I want to work with kids.. so maybe I'll work in pediatrics and double major in early childhood developmental psychology. I'd like to work in the cancer ward for a children's hospital. I know it will be tough but I realized that that doesn't really matter...

What matters is that I go home from work everyday knowing that I did everything I could to make that child's time less painful and happier while they were still here.

new beginnings

-California.

So, this is the beginning, basically I have needed a place to just write so what better way...

A little info: I'm a photographer* and black and whites are my favorite (hence the life in black and white, also because this will just be layman's terms: life). This name basically means stripped; starting from the beginning and using your inner child's imagination to color the pictures.. Jared likes crayolas <3

Another reason I am beginning a blog is because I want to begin a new chapter in my life.. I feel like I am straying from God, and the person I once was, and I want not necessarily to be that same person again (we are all constantly changing) but I want to fully find Him again.

Here goes nothing :)

Enjoy.

*wanna see more? visit me at http://www.flickr.com/photos/kayhornphotography/