Phases of Life

This is my absolutely beautiful sister with my absolutely beautiful nephew/godson. He is amazing and makes every day more precious than the last. I can't believe how big they get to quick. You think he's just as normal as ever, and you can tell they have grown..but looking back on newborn pictures: it's so indescribable to see how they have changed. 

creating

I've been doing so much work lately, mainly math, that I've had no time to create. So I started writing tonight, it's got potential (if you ask me) to become a good song. I also have more canvases, awaiting paint. I want to try something new, I've never worked with oils before. I'm also busy putting together my portfolio for an upcoming viewing. I'm meeting a woman who worked with Ansel Adams and Deborah Remington. She's a friend of my aunts and wants to see my work. (Needless to say I'm pretty excited..) 

Anyway, math ends the day before my summer job begins, no break there either. Sweet. Moving on-it's really okay to have a lot going on. Along with the fact that I'm moving in late May/early June. Packing boxes while I'm studying math and recording songs. They should photograph that.

But hey, I'm alive. And I'm loving it.

For we, we are not long here. Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it. And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you. -Brooke Fraser

benvenuti alla luce

>this is my new tattoo: and spelled WRONG! awesome. i gave the guy the right thing and he transferred it wrong. i love my life. so i go back in two weeks to get it fixed.

This is the next song I'm going to record.

Hope Now by Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter my from the storm
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
This love sets me free
You've become my hearts desires
I will sing Your praises higher
Your love sets me free
(Your love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
(You love sets me free)
Your love sets me free

newfound loves

Now-running has never been easy as pie for me. I have curves and boobs these does not make anything in life easier (sometimes haha). Even though I am not as thin as I once was, I am still comfortable in my skin. I like who I am, and I don't think my body style is what decidedly determines me.

Today I was stifling through this "big world-o'-Blogger" and stumbled upon the blog of a runner. He had recently been on TV discussing his interesting life of "Barefoot Running." He and a friend described the difference of running in 'old-school' tennis shoes: the ones with huge soles and macho support, and running in minimal soled shoes, FiveFingers, and..get this: BAREFOOT.

I'm a lover of new and old. But this is so new to me. So, I started to think about it. We are the ones who assume we need such support and as the woman said we have degraded our foot muscles. We've made them depend on these macho-soled shoes to get them through. And as the man mentioned about a book: there are indians who run about 40-50 miles a day, a day!, in flat sandal-looking 'shoes.'

I'm a daily rocker of Vans classic flat footed checkered slip-ons :) so this support thing is far from me. Every time ran I had sore feet from the Nike tennis shoes I would wear while running, my legs hurt and I felt exhausted and heavy.

After reading and viewing this man's blog and the news broadcast about his phenomenon, I chucked my Nikes, grabbed my minimal New Balances and was out the door. I took his advice of not landing so hard by slamming on my heels and instead on the balls of my feet. I felt a spring in my step, my stride was smooth. I felt lighter and stronger than ever before on a run. Instead of feeling drained and sore, I feel invigorated and determined. I have been looking for a fix for this for so long and did not know where to turn. I finally got my answer in a happen-chance. How nice, right?

If you'd like to see more on this barefoot running check out the blog: Enjoy!

http://chrisultra.blogspot.com/

about that..

I'm not one of those people who runs around telling the world about everything Right when it happens, or ever: my choice. I just don't see the sense in assuming and getting all worked up, maybe someone will tell you something when they're ready. Try that on for size.

I need a vacation. I need a beach. I think my mom and I are going to take a vacation soon, just us. I think that'd be perfect. I wonder where we'll end up going..I know it'll be a beach thats for sure. I hope it's Wrightsville Beach.

...and you are?

I think we just need to appreciate more of who we are and stop trying to fight it. That makes you miserable, trust me I've been there. Embracing who you are is what will make you truly happy. I've learned to stop caring about what other people think of me. What do you think of yourself? That's the important question.

In-dependence

The other day I was driving home from work and noticed the red light of a traffic signal was out. It got me thinking, as does everything: Sometimes we may be just like that red light: waiting for someone to come change and restore us. 

I fear that this is common for people. Let's say something traumatic happens in your life, it effects you (even if you pretend it doesn't, that pretending will eventually effect you, and it came from the trauma, therefore there is no escaping it and any way you look at it, it effects you). Now, guaranteed none of us would like to admit this, but it's true. 

First of all we try and push things back in our minds and not let them bother us or change us; hinder the way we live day to day. The fact of the matter is that by trying to push this said problem down we are only going to cause a major breakdown later. Sometimes we occupy our minds with other things, other people, to avoid coming face-to-face with our dilemma, however in most instances this will only make it seem easier, and make it seem to other people that you are doing exactly that. Your true friends can see straight through your facade, and a lot of times, this is exactly what we need. We need a friend to remind us that it's okay to be sad, angry; basically just emotional, we're human! but the point is that we cannot just pretend things don't happen or try to find a way around facing things. I think the hardest thing to do is come to terms with our traumas by dealing with it day by day. We need to lean on those true friends, they are how we make it through. But the biggest thing is finding yourself again after the storm; searching for and picking up all the pieces of you and putting them back together. This most likely will not become the same puzzle that you were before, this will have modifications and tiny nicks in the edges, and, as hard as it is to believe: there will most likely not be any holes in this new puzzle of you. It's scary to think we won't be the same, but we need to realize that learning and growing are necessary; and those few chips in your corners, or nicks in your paint: they can heal, and they can expand, and they can eventually make a shiny new portrait out of you.

Secondly, on point from above: stop waiting around for someone/something that will miraculously come and POOF! you'll be fixed. Sorry Charlie, not gonna happen. We need to rely more on ourselves, have more trust in ourselves and, like I said following picking up our puzzle pieces, realize that we are so much stronger because of this disaster. A lot of people just want miracles, they want miracles to find them and fix them. Although this is a nice fairy tale feeling, odds are that's the only place you'll find it: fairy tales. Considering we live in reality (hate to break it to you), the probability of this said miracle finding us is unlikely. I think if we so badly want one, maybe we need to get off our asses and find one. Stop waiting around, this will get you nowhere. You need to embrace life and not waste any of it.

Lastly, sometimes all you need is some good ol' fashion 'upgrades'. Being a girl, I can tell you that a new haircut, and in my case a new piercing (nose), can do you wonders. Now, I can't tell you if this will work for pulling a guy out of a slump, but I know for a fact that every woman knows what it feels like to have that great feeling after a great new haircut. Silly, I'm aware, but in any matter, true. 

I'm certainly not saying that it isn't difficult to do these things (well, not the haircut, for all of us), trust me, I know how hard it is to even get the motivation to start finding those pieces, let alone putting them back together. It takes a long time, and so it should: healing takes a long time. That awful storm will stick in your mind for a long time, and replay over and over again. But, thankfully, this doesn't have to last forever. 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is actually start to help yourself out of this mess. It's so easy for me to stay in bed all day and only get up because I have to go to work because I don't want to get fired, come home and go right back to bed. You think you know how you'll be after something happens and you may be completely wrong. I can say all I want that I haven't been through a crap-storm and back, but I have. And it's so easy to meet someone new and get caught up in that, but then realize that those bad memories never leave, they're just under the surface, waiting to remind you. So you put up your guard again, and push away because you're scared. Well, I have to tell myself that fear is okay. Brave the unknown and maybe that's where you'll find those new pieces of yourself; the new ones that will mingle with the old ones and make you who you are. 

So stop fearing and just jump already, I promise you'll enjoy it.

mistakes we knew we were making

I think I've needed a huge "welcome back" to myself...

As everyone has, I've made mistakes in my life. But have you ever wondered if/when those mistakes become deliberate? Think about it: we make mistakes and claim we learn from them, then make the same, or relatively close to the same, mistake again. Do we realize this? Maybe we do subconsciously and don't want to admit it to ourselves; thinking we'll recognize it the next time and stop ourselves from letting it happen. Maybe we want it to happen..? Although I don't know who would yearn to feel the way I do after realizing I've made a mistake. Is any of this making sense? Maybe not. I just know that I can't keep living my life without my voice being the one that leads it. I want to be heard and listened to and understood. As Socrates' says, "an unexamined life is not worth living" it's a waste; you need to reach, you need to be a part of your own life: every person should be the lead role in their own life.

Now, I'm not saying other people are not important, but you have to remember that you are the most important. And I'm not saying to be selfish, just remember who you are, and don't let go of that. Completely opposite to that: the people in your life that influence you, help you, and are always there for you are extremely important. And in turn it is always important to help a person you love. In time of need and not. Always. I friend is a friend.

Lately, I've been forgetting who I am, and I need that back. It's a feeling that is completely indescribable when you feel constrained; like your wings have been clipped.  

I am taking back the reigns in my life and feeling great about it. It's so important to be you.

As I have mentioned before, the relationships in your life are crucial. 

I could attempt to wrap this up in a pretty bow for you but not a lot happens that easily.

The ugly truth is that people will come and go in your life and although difficult and may take some time, you have to determine who is good for you; who will benefit your life as you can do for them. While it may be difficult to understand, it is necessary to continue to be happy. Happiness is the final goal. There are things you do and steps you take that lead to other steps that make you happy, but you being happy is not a step you take for something else. Happiness. Your best friend, forever.